My James Deen Conundrum

I am, admittedly, late to jumping on the James Deen bandwagon.

Who's yummy? James is yummy!

I discovered him quite by accident a few weeks ago and was hooked like a fish… and like so many other females before me. There’s something about this guy. He’s cute, but certainly not drop-dead gorgeous. A bit shorter than I like my men and definitely quite a bit younger than I like. And he’s a skinny little shit. His cock is gorgeous, but he’s not extremely hugely well-endowed. And he has an incredibly lickable little butthole. If you’ve read my blog, you know I enjoy all things anal and would love the chance to tongue his bum.

What drew me in, though, is the obvious fact that he really enjoys women. Likes women. Of all shapes and sizes, colors and varieties. I’ve seen videos of him fucking tiny little waifs and women that are bigger than me… and I’m a cow! Black, white, Asian… he likes them all. And I don’t mean “likes” like any normal hetero guy… he really enjoys a woman’s body and enjoys doing whatever it takes to get them off, whether it’s kissing, holding hands, whispering dirty sweet-nothings in their ears or smacking them in the face.

What? Smacking them in the face?

Yes, Mr. Deen has quite the Dom streak in him as well as the boy next door.

Angel

And this is where my conundrum starts to kick in. James Deen, through no fault of his own, has become a teenage girl’s wet dream. For me, it was Shaun Cassidy (shut up). For many girls today, it’s James. I’d venture a guess that for most of these teenagers, their first introduction to him was through one of his vanilla scenes. The ones where he’s seduced by his girlfriend’s mom or plays the innocent delivery man that is conned into fucking the sultry ingenue. Imagine their surprise when they click a link to one of his scenes for kink.com!

Devil

Now, I love me some kink. I’ve been there… I’ve experienced subspace and know what an exhilarating feeling it is. But I was in my mid 30s when I experienced it. I don’t know that I could have handled that when I was a teen, just learning about sex.

Teenage girls have low self-esteem. Being a teenage girl is hell on earth. It’s a miserable time. Hormones are all wonky, peer pressure… and teenage girls are just fucking monsters. Mean as shit.

It’s a self-defense mechanism, yes. We girls are so down on ouselves when we’re teens that the only way we can cope is to lash out at others. It’s terrible. I was bullied… and I bullied others. As an adult, I feel like shit about the way I treated one particular girl in high school. She didn’t deserve my wrath… and I didn’t deserve the wrath I received from other girls. It’s a vicious, evil cycle. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for girls today… Facebook, Twitter, texting. We know it’s driven more than one teen to suicide.

I wouldn’t trade places with them for anything.

The point to all this is that it would be very easy for girls, who feel lacking in every way anyway, to allow themselves to be treated like the girls in the kink.com videos that they see James acting in. As adults, we know what is actually happening in those videos. We get that in the BDSM world, the submissive is, in actuality, the one with ALL the power.

The submissive controls the action and can call a stop to it at anytime, in a safe, sane and consensual setting. But unless you’ve studied this world, how can you know this? A 16 year old girl and her 17 or 18 year old boyfriend aren’t going to know the rules. And even if they do read up on it, can their developing minds truly grasp the importance of the rules?

I wouldn’t have been able to. As a teenage girl experimenting with all things sexual, I didn’t understand that I was supposed to enjoy it as much as the boy did. I put up with anything and everything my early partners did and never uttered a word, even if I absolutely hated it. Calling stop to the action would have ended up branding me as a cold fish. And “prude” is just another label that no teenage girl wants to carry around.

So what’s to stop these girls from going from the cutesy James Deen porn to the rough James Deen porn and pulling that into their real lives and getting seriously hurt… physically AND emotionally? Have any of these kids read the contracts on kink.com? I doubt it.

And as a woman, that scares me to death for these kids.

A true Dom respects his sub above all else. And that is key. A true Dom knows when the scene ends. And that isn’t knowledge that most teenage boys have… Hell, a lot of adult men don’t get it, either.

I don’t want any girl to think that they deserve anything else than 100% respect from any man. That lack of self-esteem all teenage girls feel can easily stretch into their adulthood. And that is the road to living life going through one abusive relationship after another. In my work, I see this everyday. These kids have lived with abuse all their lives… it’s all they know and they repeat the cycle.

Breaking that cycle can be almost impossible.

Now, none of this is anything James Deen has asked for. He can’t control who watches his videos. He’s an adult acting in an adult industry. The internet makes his work accessible to anyone who wants to see it. He has no control over this so I’m not blaming him in any way.

Yes, please. Sir.

I adore him… both in his role as goofy boy next door and his role as a Dominant. I want to hold hands with him and kiss and cuddle and whisper sweet dirty things to him. I also want him to tie me to a rack, attach some nipple clamps and spank me so hard I’m bruised for weeks. Depending on my mood, I want him to call me either “sweetie” or “cumslut”.

Because at 42, I understand from watching his work and reading his words, that in the end, he would be a gentleman and respect me as a sexual woman and I should expect no less.

Can these 16 year old girls make that same distinction between the fantasy of James Deen and the reality of the boys who just want to get in their pants?

My Twitter Cleansing

Right, so why did I unfollow so many people on Twitter?

It’s simple, really. I couldn’t keep up. It was overwhelming. Twitter had become a burden rather than something fun. Reading everything was impossible… reading anything became impossible.

I came very close to deleting my account but I didn’t want to lose the people that I’ve grown to consider friends. Or, perhaps, people I want to fuck.

So the decision was made to unfollow anyone that I haven’t made any sort of connection with, plus a
small few whose tweets I just enjoy. I went from following close to 700 people down to 58. Some were harder than others to unfollow. People who have followed me for the past year, people I find very likable… but it just had to be done. Who knows? Perhaps I’ll start adding them again sometime, but for right now, I need… want… to keep things very small.

This is in no way a reflection on anyone. I was following some truly great people.

And now my list of followers in dropping, though truly not as much as I expected. If folks want to continue following me, that’s wonderful. But I also absolutely understand anyone who unfollows me after I’ve dropped them. And I’m cool with that.

I got wrapped up in the numbers and Favstar and that isn’t why I joined Twitter. It’s a very slippery slope… watching your numbers, watching your followers, who stars what, making sure you reciprocate, etc., etc. People get so caught up in being pithily clever that they forget that they can use Twitter to actually SAY something. Something of substance.

I’m a passionate person and I have opinions on a great many things. It got to the point on Twitter where I was afraid to express anything other than something funny or sexy… Censoring myself. A shame, that. None of us should limit ourselves in that way.

So, yes, I made some drastic changes. I cut off most people. I won’t censor myself any longer. I trust that the people I’m still following are the ones who will want to hear my thoughts and share their own. It doesn’t always have to be laughs. It can also be tears.

I’m certain that I’m going to regret unfollowing some of the people that I did… but, for right  now, my Twitter feed is just where I need it to be.

Full of friends.

Women IN Porn

I learned tonight that one of our local girls is, or was, a porn star. Her stage name was Cody Lane. Her real name is Carla Rushing and she’s currently an inmate in the Bullitt County Detention Center.

Every once in a while, I poke around on Topix. Topix is easily the gathering place for America’s vilest rednecks to gossip anonymously. I had heard about it, in relation to my home town, and checked it out a few years ago. It was so disgustingly horrible that every couple of months I take a look at it just to see if it’s really as bad as I think it is. And it always is.

Anyway, someone outed the fact that Cody/Carla is sitting in jail on a bench warrant relating to numerous drug charges and they posted a link to her mug shot. Pretty girl. I’d heard her name, but I wasn’t sure if I’d ever seen her in action, so to speak, so I googled her. The first (and only) video I watched was apparently one of her first scenes and it can best be described as… well, rape.

She called herself Cody Star in the video and said she was 19. The clip started out the same way all cheaply produced porn is now days… starlet and unattractive actor sitting on a couch staring blindly into the camera before pretending to be overcome with lust for each other.

Then came the gagging. Seriously, guys, what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK? Please explain to me how this is something you think is sexy? A girl with tears of fear running down her cheeks, nearly vomiting and hacking up stomach bile? Really? That’s sexy? It’s fucking gross and cruel and watching it happen to this terrified young woman was disgusting.

Next was anal. Dry. She screamed the entire time he was inside her. Not moaning, screaming. With his hand either covering her mouth or choking her so she couldn’t breathe.

This wasn’t a staged BDSM with experienced players filmed by the folks at Kink. This was two actors and a cameraman/director.

After the money shot, the actor sort of tossed her down and stalked out of the room. To show she was okay, the cameraman/director started talking to her and she smiled and said she was fine and lied through her pretty little teeth.

The troubling part, as if the rest of it wasn’t bad enough, was the dude asking her if the actor was a better fuck than her grandfather and she said she didn’t want to talk about that anymore. This kid had, allegedly, been raped by her grandfather. Her grandfather!

And it’s pretty damn naive of anyone to think that her childhood abuse didn’t have anything to do with this kid from Kentucky ending up in the San Fernando Valley shooting a live action rape scene.

I’m a big advocate for porn. I like porn and watch it frequently. I think it’s natural and normal.

I’m also a big advocate for women.

The porn industry has always been dominated by men. Controlled by men and made for men.

And that’s just fucking stupid. If the women would band together, this shit would stop happening. We have the pussy! Without the pussy, there’d be no porn! Not straight porn, anyway.

There are enough women in positions of power in the porn industry to start taking a stand and banding together. There are respectable and reputable companies and directors that a handful of the women in the industry are treated well. But those aren’t the folks hanging out at the bus depot waiting for these fresh-faced girls to arrive. And if you think that doesn’t still happen to this very day, you’re insane.

During my brief stint at the erotic museum in LA, I met a few of these women with some power. One was Sharon Mitchell… Dr. Sharon Mitchell, actually. Former porn star, rape victim, and founder of the Adult Industry Medical Associates, the organization that tested adult actors for HIV and STDs. Seriously, a brilliant woman. I met her in 2004 during the height of the HIV scare that shut down the industry for nearly 2 months. This is a strong, intelligent, well-respected woman. There are others… Samantha Lewis, Allison Vivas, Jenna Jameson, and many more.

Yet they do nothing to stop the abhorrent treatment of these young girls. Women should own the porn industry. Or, at least a big chunk of it.

Anyway, back to Cody Lane. What happened? Don’t think I’m not tempted to travel to the jail and ask her myself. I can’t help but think a lot of it has to do with the proliferation of free porn on the internet. You get what you pay for holds true… a good portion of what’s available for free is poorly produced crap and that’s fine for you guys who only need a brief clip to get your rocks off. Who sits through an entire lavishly produced pornographic movie? Nobody. I don’t even know who the market for that type of porn is anymore.

As a woman, I miss it. I actually enjoy some kind of a story line. It helps me fantasize. I liked it when there was at least an attempt to hire men who were not only well endowed, but somewhat attractive, too. The porn you see on YouPorn or RedTube clips are chock full of really misogynistic, unattractive assholes. Personally, I like European porn, mostly French. If the guys are assholes, I can’t tell because I don’t understand them and the sets are all beautiful and the actors are attractive, clean and the women are not all completely surgically enhanced.

What’s going to happen to the American porn industry? It’s like McDonalds… cheap, fast, easily consumed, soon forgotten.

And this is the type of sexuality that our teenage boys are being weened on. It’s not finding Dad’s stash of Playboys and Penthouse magazines and seeing these beautiful airbrushed women with soft lighting and men playing the part of the suave, debonair lover. These kids are seeing crackheads pumped up on Viagra chocking women and slapping them while calling them bitches.

Any man who’s had sex knows this isn’t real. Try that with most women and you’ll end up with (black and) blue balls for the next year. But it’s what young men are starting to expect. Don’t believe me? Check your local Craig’s List casual encounters under men seeking women. Here, let me pull it up now…

• Bored. DTF? Horny? (23)
• Looking for girl who likes it rough (23)
• Nasty NSA Fun (22)
• Bowchickawowwow (18) Seriously.
• Im Horny Fuck Me!!! (20)

And they wonder why they don’t get any replies…

Let’s face it, these guys sexual awakening has been courtesy of free porn on the internet. And these guys are the same ones that are making the sleazy free porn. Anybody can produce porn. Hell, there may even be a little clip or two of me out there on the internet and I’ve certainly never taken any cinematography classes.

Is it any wonder that these young starlets all turn into crackheads and alcoholics? They couldn’t shoot the scenes they do without it. And they have to do it… they either come from truly miserable families, or have been kicked out and can’t go back, they have bills to pay like you and me. They have rent due, need to feed themselves and, trust me, LA is not hurting due to a shortage of waitresses. Most of them are poorly educated and lost. And end up addicts before they even realize it and then they’re too haggard to do anything but scat and piss porn.

I’m not really sure where I’m going with all this. It just makes me sad that in 2012, when women have fought for equal rights for years, there is still this gigantic industry that isn’t going away where women are nothing more than props. I thought, when I worked at the erotic museum, that I could maybe help enact a change of sorts… I had all these big ideas for celebrating women’s sexuality and having lectures and classes and starting a movement to help us all take control of our bodies and be these incredible sexual creatures that were equal to men in every way, shape and form and I left there after six months disillusioned and saddened.

I hope Cody/Carla pulls her life together and finds happiness and peace.

May I Have Your Attention, Please…?

First of all, it amuses me greatly that anyone actually reads what I write. I love it and it absolutely tickles me to bits.

Secondly, though, if you read something on my blog that you have questions about, or would like to discuss, please feel free to post them in the comments and I will do my best to answer.

Last night, about an hour after I posted my latest treatise on trust, I was lying in bed, as I often do on Wednesday nights, just getting ready to drift off for some blissful slumber, when my phone started vibrating and dinging indicating an incoming text.

It seems that, upon exiting the emergency room where his youngest son was treated for a very bad boo-boo, the object of my second story from last night was bombarded with a virtual flurry of text messages from his bevvy of friends wanting to know what he’d done, as they’d all just read my blog.

And isn’t that just what we all want to be hit with upon exiting a hospital?!

What I find most interesting… most curious… is that I’ve only discussed what happened between the two of us with one other person. And even at that, the discussion was rather one-sided as this party was too busy enjoying the sound of his/her own voice to pause for even a minuscule breathe. This person, whom I’ve blogged about before in my post entitled Keep Your Nose Clean, didn’t heed those words of advice, it seems, and has been sharing my story, the one he/she knows so little about, with others.

And those others, when reading my blog, chose to instead ask him questions about my words, instead of asking me, the authoress of said words.

To which I would have answered, truthfully, he’s done nothing. The post actually had very little to do with him. It was simply a reflection of a situation and how it has affected me. Not him, me.

In short, fair readers, I invite comments, questions, curses and criticisms. He, however, does not. Mainly because this is my blog and these are my words, not his. He can start his own blog if he wants to elaborate on anything.

Thank you for reading. I’ll be back to my usual nonsense tomorrow.

Understanding Adultery

I’m actually writing this post looking for some understanding. From the married, but actively seeking outside sexual partners. The cheaters. The adulterers.

I don’t believe in monogamy and I really don’t believe in marriage… not in this day and age and certainly not unless it’s an open marriage. I’m just not sure that it’s possible to stay faithful.

I guess the first thing to understand is what constitutes as cheating. The rules have certainly all changed in the age of the internet. When I was a kid, there was no such thing as cyber sex, or sexting. There was no AdultFriendFinder or Ashley Madison. Craig’s List, BackPage, etc… those didn’t exist. If you were going to be a cheating spouse, you physically cheated and probably with someone you and your spouse knew.

But now, all that has changed. If a man or woman wants to get laid, it’s as easy as opening an app on your phone. You don’t have to risk going out trolling in public where you might run into someone you know; with IM and texting, you can communicate with others without leaving a trace. It’s a lot easier, I suppose, for the married folks out there to hook up… physically, mentally, emotionally.

Does cyber sex count as cheating? Sexting? Are you in the clear unless it’s actual physical sex?

I don’t think so… I’m sure opinions vary all over the board, but intent is intent.

I’m not judging… again, I don’t believe in monogamy so I can’t comprehend being with one person for the rest of my life, physically. Maybe I’ve just not met the man that I would give up sex with others for, but I really can’t imagine losing out on that variety.

I’m also surrounded by guys that are either looking to stray, or are joking about looking to stray, online. How many of those would actually go through with it if the situation was presented to them? I don’t know. Maybe it’s some sort of coping game that has emerged in the internet age for married folks. A safe, anonymous way to flirt that doesn’t damage the marriage.

Here’s the thing, though… and this opinion comes from an old maid, so take it for what it’s worth. I believe cheating, or looking to cheat, is a symptom of a marriage in trouble… not a cause, but a symptom.

Do people still get married without being sexually compatible? I hear a lot about how the other partner isn’t giving them what they need. Things have gone stale. He or she just isn’t interested in sex.

I’m looking for answers as to why… was it not there, sexually, in the beginning? If it wasn’t, why did you get married? Sex is such a huge part of… well, everything, really. Or maybe that’s just me.

And if it was there in the beginning, what happened? Many men that I’ve talked to blame it on the woman. She changed, they say. She just doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Or, my favorite, it’s a medical thing.

Are women still that prudish? Is that really the case? I simply don’t understand. Maybe because I am so sexually, it’s just not in my realm of understanding. What’s going on? Enlighten me.

I’ve had sex with married men. I admit it… It’s not something I seek out, but in my world of casual sex, the vast majority of men I’m attracted to are married. Mainly, I think, because I’m not attracted to younger men. I like men my age or a bit older… they know what they’re doing. And married men aren’t looking for a commitment.

I won’t have an affair… just like I don’t date. I’m not looking for a relationship. And I’m not looking to be “the other woman”. I don’t want the drama that goes along with that.

So, cheating spouses, what I’m looking for is the why. Why did you get married and now, why are you unfaithful? And why don’t you get divorced? If your marriage is lacking sexually, I… in my admittedly limited knowledge, I believe that there have to be other, deeper issues. It can’t just be about sex. Can it?

Maybe I’m feeling some guilt over being a person that doesn’t really respect the marriage vows. I’m sure there are plenty of women out there that believe I’m being a traitor to my gender. But I’m doing my own thing. I’m not the problem. If your man is going to cheat, he’s going to cheat. I’ve never swayed a man away from his vows that wasn’t already looking. He’s going to cheat whether it’s with me or someone else. I’m not the problem. The marriage is already damaged before I’m ever in the picture but it’s easier, and I’m sure allows for far less introspection, to blame the whore because men are such simple creatures that can’t be held responsible for the acts of their penis.

I don’t buy that. If a spouse cheats, man or woman, there are reasons within the marriage for it happening. So what do you do? Become an adulterer? Or work to fixing the issues? I know that’s a two way street and I’ve heard from lots of spouses that say their partner simply won’t discuss the problems. If you’re marriage is so flawed that honesty is out of the question, why do you stay? Why would you sacrifice your one chance at living a happy life? Why willingly live an unhappy lie?

Finances? The kids? You love him/her but you’re not IN love?

That’s all bullshit and you know it. Kids are brilliant… They see everything, including the stress and tension you think you’re hiding. If you think they don’t, you’re lying to yourself. They want their parents to be happy. And if you live in an unhappy marriage, what are you teaching them about finding happiness in their own adult lives? If you’re using the love but not in love line, you’re also lying. If you really loved your spouse, you’d want them to be happy. The financial reasons might be a bit more hazy, especially in this economy. I can understand the seemingly impossible obstacles to dividing a house and trying to figure out how to make it work.

Why else then would you chose to live your life in an unfulfilling marriage? This is your life… your one chance to make it everything you want it to be. So help me out here…

So what’s the deal, people? Why are you cheating?

Keep Your Nose Clean

My dad used to say that to us kids all the time. Though there were eight of us little snots and, to this day, he carries a clean white linen handkerchief in his back pocket at all times, he was referring not to nasal hygiene but staying the hell out of trouble.

On even the best days, our house was filled with a cacophony of whiny voices accusing each other of the most heinous of offences. Hitting, biting, farting, masturbating, bad grades, being on the phone too long, being out too late.. hell, we used to have outrageous knock-down drag-out fights over who was first in a room (first kid in controlled the TV and if we had to pee or leave the room for any reason we had to yell ‘SEAT RESERVED’ as loud as we could or lose our cherished control of the remote-less, cable-less monstrosity…. seriously, our biggest fights were over this).

It only took the first couple of kids before my dad figured out that he would rather stay at work all night than come home to hear us all ratting each other out. The most common refrain aside from ‘do that again and you’re really gonna be SOL’ was the ‘keep your nose clean’ idiom. He meant mind your own damn business.

Of course, we didn’t listen but it’s stuck with me anyway all these years later and it’s a pretty good, and tough, lesson to learn.

My last post was all about how I trust and love everyone…. that doesn’t mean, however, that if you’re toxic I won’t cut your ass out of my life.

What is toxic to me? Easy. Drama. I  really fucking hate it. HATE IT. I graduated from high school 24 years ago and it’s become very apparent to me that some people just fucking crave the stuff.

And those people that crave it are usually the ones screaming the loudest that they hate drama.

I’m  no saint… I can get sucked right into it like anyone else without even realizing it. I’m strongly opinionated and I’m usually not shy about stating it. But I’m talking about the gossip and back-stabbing that doesn’t go away when you’re an adult. It’s everywhere… friends, work and, yes, online.

Another day, I’ll rant about my disgust with women who wear the feminist badge and shout about us all having to stick together because men are fucking evil. But not tonight.

Here’s the thing, though. I don’t need a gang of any sort. I’m a strong, intelligent, independent woman who has survived 42 years so far. I don’t need protection from a band of thugs of any sort. I’ll protect my damn self.

Lies have a way of surfacing. Everybody slips up somewhere and everything comes spilling out naturally.

And, yes, in some very rare cases, it’s just NOT necessary  for the lies to surface.

I’ve been doing the online thing since I was in high school and we had to use CompuServe on a 300 baud modem over a long distance phone line that charged by the minute. I’ve had more cyber relationships than match.com has in its database.

There is a natural progression to these relationships… either they lead to a real life meeting or they eventually fade away because it’s impossible to sustain anything meaningful without physical contact.

And there are also reasons that people use the internet to escape real life. I’ve done it. I admit it. Only in MMOs, but I have absolutely pretended to be someone I’m not online. Never, ever with the intention to hurt anyone but when I was depressed, going online and becoming someone else was a very wonderful escape from reality for a while.

And that’s what I’m getting at when I say sometimes lies don’t need to come out. A long-distance online relationship that doesn’t really have a lot of hope of surviving beyond texting or phone calls or maybe even camming is going to fade away on its own. Any lies told in the course of that, while not right, are only going to cause a lot of unnecessary pain if they come out.

I’ve seen this happen dozens of times. It’s high school all over again. Some “well meaning” person comes along and gets their nose very dirty by jumping feet first into something that is not any of their damn business. It’s usually women because for all our strengths, we just have to dive into that shit.

And it’s frequently a woman scorned. And, my god, it will backfire on your stupid ass so fucking quick you won’t be able to breath.

I learned this lesson, thankfully, young. On the night of my 21st birthday, actually. There was this fella that I was ass over teacups in love with. I mean, this was the BIG ONE. Love. Of. My. Life. (At the time!)

Anyway, we were friends. But I craved MORE and he just wasn’t interested in me that way. Let’s throw some alcohol and other more illegal substances into the mix on both our parts. And he turned 21 a couple months before me so he already had a head start in the local bar scene.

He had recently started dating someone, which broke my heart. He’d also gone on vacation recently and had a fling while he was on vacation.

My 21st fell on a Saturday night, so Friday night my folks took off for the weekend and I had a party, with plans to hit the bars on Saturday night. Dude came to the party and in a drunken haze, we fucked.

Fast forward to Saturday night at the bar. I was there, he was there and so was his new girlfriend. After drinking way, way too many white russians, and realizing he wasn’t suddenly going to dump the new chick and profess his undying love to me, I turned as evil as I’ve ever been and decided it was my duty… as a woman… to tell the new girl about the vacation fling. We girls had to stick together and I needed to protect her from this heart-breaking monster.

It was possibly the worst night of my life. Like I said, despite my love for him and him knowing this full well. we were still friends. He had been a very good friend to me and forced me to quit what could have shaped up to be a really suicidal drug habit. And this is how I responded to that friendship.

He was so hurt… so hurt. I remember his face when he realized what I’d done, how I’d betrayed him. He was hurt and furious. I remember him telling me, as I was drunkenly trying to apologize, to get away from him before he hit me. This was not a violent guy but I had hurt him so badly that he was losing his grip on his emotions.

Of course, he and the new girl didn’t break up and my friendship with him was shattered. We had to be around each other because we hung in the same circle of friends and it hurt every single time I saw him, like getting shot in the belly over and over again. Eventually he forgave me but it took a really long time and we hurt each other very badly in the process. There was a lot of tears and a lot of screaming. It was a good 10 years before he and I could really talk about what happened and clear up all the old hurts.

The really shitty part is that we eventually dated for a while. But what I’d done had damaged us beyond the point of being able to survive and we didn’t last long. It was as if we’d already gone through so much shit that we’d burned out the best of our passion and there was always the memory in both our heads of what I’d done.

If I’d kept my mouth shut that night, who knows what might have happened? I may have ended up with everything I wanted from him but I caused some damage that really couldn’t be repaired.

It was then that I realized the importance of my dad’s lesson about keeping my nose clean. Yes, he was wrong to sleep with me and he shouldn’t have had the vacation fling but his new relationship was absolutely none of my fucking business. I had really devastated a friend, hurt a girl I didn’t even know and had ended up hurting myself far worse than anyone else.

And I was such an ugly person that night. Vindictive. I wanted him to hurt as much as his rejection hurt me and I did the most evil thing I possibly could.

I never wanted to be that person again. I can honestly say it is the very worst thing I’ve ever done. I still feel the repercussions today. I hated myself that night. Truly hated.

I changed that night. I’ve never done anything to intentionally hurt another since then. That’s not to say people haven’t been hurt. Sometimes you have to make life decisions that are the best for you, but hurt other people and there’s nothing malicious about it.  It’s just part of living life.

But since that night, 21 years ago, I’ve kept my nose clean. I wish others would learn from their mistakes and realize that no matter how tempting, how hurt you are, keeping your nose clean is always the best course of action.

Peace.